Ikigai Read online

  “You keep coming in like this and I might start to think you like me.” Shio winked at Reina as she rearranged shot glasses on the counter. “I don’t get many fans here.”

  Reina chuckled into her beer bottle. “Haven’t you heard? I have a crush on every woman on Earth. Just ask my wife. Just ask anyone.”

  Shio stopped and glanced at Reina. “Even someone like me?”

  “What does that mean?”

  The bartender stood up and rolled her eyes. “Did you forget what happened last week?”

  Who cares about that? “Whatever. You say you’re a woman, then you’re a woman. Anyone who gives you shit for it – especially in this neighborhood – can go fuck themselves.”

  “That’s a lot of people then.”

  “You’re not the only one with a mess of gender issues around here.”

  The sink turned on behind the counter. “Unless you’re trans too, then...”

  Hot water hissed in the sink as Reina stared at her dinner and considered that statement. Am I? For a while she thought it was a possibility. One of the reasons she started seeing Dr. Katou was to sort out her feelings about her gender and possibly start transitioning into a man. That last part never really came about. Reina ultimately decided that it wasn’t her body she had a problem with, but how society perceived her femaleness. But her dysphoria was advanced enough that she took comfort in passing as a man at times. Does that make me a transvestite of some kind? Her male role-plays never gave her quite that feeling. “I don’t think I’m trans. I just feel like a man sometimes.”

  The sink turned off and a washrag appeared. “That is interesting,” Shio said, scrubbing the counter.

  “Come to think of it, I don’t know of any transmen around here.”

  “You wouldn’t see many of them in a lesbian bar, now would you?”

  “I suppose so. Hey, you’re here though.”

  Shio smiled. “That’s right. Being trans wasn’t enough for me. I had to be a lesbian too.”

  “How does that work?”

  “Hm?” A chortle shook the tiny Adam’s apple in Shio’s throat. She’s very pretty. Not that Reina hadn’t noticed before, though she wasn’t crazy about the pink sweatshirt and skinny jeans. But Shio had a nice frame, lithe, thin, and tall. Her hair was cheaply bleached but cut by a professional. Her make-up was applied with the skill of someone who had done it for years. Shio looked like any other young woman around Ni-chome and beyond. She leaned against the counter. “I’m a woman who likes other women but not men. Therefore, lesbian.”

  “I wonder how common that is.”

  “Not common enough. Dating blows. Women born female usually don’t want anything to do with me.”

  Reina took a bite of her cooling dinner. “Well, they’re shit.”

  “I didn’t used to have this problem,” Shio continued as she went about cleaning her work area. “Dating, that is. Back before I transitioned I had quite a few girlfriends in middle school. Loved girls. Sure made realizing and accepting that I’m also a woman fucking confusing.”

  “I could see that.”

  “Seriously. I mean, even when I thought of myself as a boy, I was always extremely feminine. I was pissed as hell when my mother told me I couldn’t wear a skirt or grow my hair out so I could have braids. First day of kindergarten I made friends with a girl so I could steal her pink shoes. Then I got older and started dating those same girls. You know how weird it is to sleep with a girl and then ask to try on her dress, and think absolutely nothing of it?”

  “Vaguely.” Not so much the dress part, no.

  “Maa, it’s confusing. You both want to be your girlfriends and be inside them. I hated it.”

  “And now?”

  “I transitioned during high school a few years ago, so I’ve made peace with who I am.”

  “I meant dating.”

  “Oh.” Shio blushed a rosy pink, the same color as her lipstick. “I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while. They don’t last long once they find out I...”

  “Fuck ‘em.”

  “That’s exactly what they don’t want me to do.”

  Reina sat back in her seat, both to let her food digest and to alleviate her cramps. “People are assholes about that sort of thing. Even around here. I never got the hate for women who were raised boys. Maybe there’s some jealousy there, because you got to know what it was like to be treated like a man in society, even if you didn’t want it.”

  “Ha...” Shio opened her mouth and then closed it again. For a few seconds she looked to be on the edge of speaking before biting her words back. The washcloth danced back and forth on the counter under the weight of her indecisiveness. Finally, she spoke. “Even though I changed my name, I still run into that. They look at my ID and see that I’m ‘male’ and...”

  “Didn’t you get that changed?”

  “I can’t.”

  Reina rubbed her chin as she leaned against the counter. “Why not?”

  Again the bartender didn’t speak. Hit a nerve? Good thing there was no one else in the bar. “Because you have to have reassignment surgery to do that.”

  Now it made sense. She still has a penis, huh? No wonder the poor girl had trouble with lesbian dating. Reina couldn’t help but glance at Shio’s chest and gauge the size of it. Someone had top surgery, at least. She considered herself an expert on all things breasts, and that definitely was not a padded bra beneath Shio’s sweatshirt. “You can’t get it?” She treaded dangerous ground now. Not exactly polite to ask a woman why she kept her penis. Nor any of my business. At least she knew it.

  “Something like that.” A nervous chuckle.

  Time to switch the subject. “I run into stuff like that too. Depending on the day strangers will assume I’m a man. Then they find out my name or see my ID, and you can tell they’re really confused. A few months ago I was at city hall and they called me up to get my document, yet you could tell they didn’t think I was that person based on how I looked. They were expecting a woman to pop up, not someone wearing a fake... you know...”

  “You do that?”

  “Sometimes.”

  Shio inspected the same glasses over and over again. Her brain must be whirring at the speed of light. “But you’re not trans, right?”

  “I don’t think so. They diagnosed me with gender dysphoria, but it has more to do with how people negatively perceive me. Some days I go out with the intent of having people think I’m a man.” She had that kind of relationship with her girlfriend when the mood struck her. Aiko had a harder time dealing with it, since Reina’s dysphoria didn’t come into play until years after they got together. She thinks I just like fucking her with a strap-on. If only it were that simple. “But I wouldn’t get surgery or change my ID.”

  “These things are complicated, deshou?”

  Reina laughed. “Tell me about it.”

  So Shio did, for the next twenty minutes, until another patron finally came in. During those long minutes she and Reina talked about their experiences in therapy, about transphobia among lesbians, about finding someone to date and love. “I’m so jealous of you for being married,” Shio said, elbows propped up as she rested her chin in her hands. “Reading your interview in that book and your wife’s essay, I got the feeling that you two understand each other on a very deep level. I’ve never had that with anyone. I don’t think most people do.”

  By the time Shio was called away and Reina finished her beer and dinner, it was getting late for a work night. With a nod of the head Reina acknowledged that she was leaving and departed for the train station.

  Something about her conversation with Shio stayed with her for the rest of the night. Even when Aiko came home and asked for a bath together, Reina thought about the pretty young woman who had both a confident carriage and a self-conscious outlook. She wasn’t Reina’s type, body parts aside. Shio’s youthful style and look was something Reina found more and more bothersome as she got
older, but she didn’t fault the girl for it.

  But what was it, then? Reina sat in the bath as her wife finished washing her hair only a meter away. I guess I don’t meet many people like her. Maybe that’s what hung Reina up. She wished she were so certain about her gender as well.

  “Doushita?” Aiko asked, stepping into the bath and settling in next to her spouse. “You look like you’re really thinking about something.”

  Reina leaned against her, loofah bobbing in the water in front of them. “I think I made a new friend.”

  Waster splashed over the side of the tub and into the greater shower drain as Aiko moved around. “Don’t you make friends all the time?”

  “No, I mean a real friend.”

  “Who else would you classify as a real friend? You’re silly.”

  “Shiran.” Reina pressed the loofah against her face. It was true. She had many friends over the years, but most were good acquaintances at best. Even people who came over to her house these days, such as Haruka and Kaori, and shared her bed were not people she would discuss philosophy with or confess her innermost feelings to. Not even her girlfriend, although Jun pushed for it many nights. The only people Reina committed her naked heart to were Aiko and her friend Michiko half a world away.

  But in the span of two brief conversations, Reina felt like Shio understood her on a level no one else did. That alone changed everything.

  “Thank you for coming with me.”

  Aiko looked up from her phone and met Yuri’s eyes a few centimeters away from her own. The train was crowded early in the night, and Yuri was pressed against the far end of a row of seats with Aiko crammed in next to her. “Not a problem,” Aiko said.

  “I know it must have put you out somehow.”

  “Nothing I couldn’t handle.” She had to make dinner early and eat it alone, leaving enough for Reina when it came time to leave. Indeed, Aiko and Yuri ran into her at the station. I hope she did the dishes. Fat chance.

  The train pulled into Shinjuku Station, and an exodus commenced from the train car. Aiko and Yuri blended into the crowd as they took the appropriate exit and walked through the streets of Shinjuku toward San-chome.

  The meeting place for Yuri’s married lesbians group was above a hair salon that was next to one of the bigger department stores in the area. How inconspicuous. There was a sign in the window that read, “Meeting Place For Women Who Love To Knit.” Aiko couldn’t think of any conversation that included Yuri talking about knitting, but that was beside the point. I wonder how many women who love knitting ask about joining. To overhear such a conversation...

  Aiko was surprised – and yet not at all – by the number of women in the room. Not even ten minutes before the start of the meeting, the circle of chairs was almost full and more women stood by refreshments chatting. Yuri began to shrink back behind her lover as Aiko took charge. It made her think of all the times Reina took charge in their relationship like this.

  “Hi! You must be the newbies,” said a middle-aged woman with short hair and a maxi dress. “I’m Marina, the moderator of tonight’s meeting. Pleased to meet you.” She bowed and motioned to the circle of chairs. “What are your names?”

  Shy Yuri remained behind Aiko. Aren’t we here for you? “My name is Aiko Takeuchi.” Instantly Marina’s smiled turned upside down. Damned reputation preceding me. By now every woman over the age of thirty-five who liked other women had heard of her and Reina. “I’m here to support my friend, who’s the real newbie.” She moved out of the way so Yuri faced Marina.

  “Oh, hi...” She was adorable when she was flustered in public like this. Her cheeks puffed out and turned the pinkest shade of red – the same red that appeared on her face after sex. Those were details only her lover would understand. “I’m Yuri Furusawa. Douzo yoroshiku.”

  Aiko had a hunch that she was the only one in there actually married to another woman. She got that hint when every other woman in the room looked at her with confusion or disdain. I recognize some of these faces. Throwbacks to random encounters with Reina.

  “Everyone,” Marina said, hailing the stragglers to the circle where Aiko and Yuri sat down. “Let’s begin!”

  The last time Aiko was in a meeting like this was a good fifteen years ago, when she joined Mayumi’s activist group and met Yatsumi and Mio. I never came back. Seemed strange to sit in a circle like this and talk about feelings again. Some of the women opened the circle by talking about events they were planning, ranging from movie days to fundraisers for the resource center. How do they have the time? The women varied in age from mid-twenties to a couple of aunties knitting to one side. Odds were these married women were homemakers and mothers, one of the busiest lives a woman could ask for. If it wasn’t a PTA meeting or running the kids to violin lessons and math tutoring, it was taking care of the in-laws and doing every drop of shopping and budgeting. Aiko could never relate to most of it even though she considered herself a happy homemaker.

  Marina closed the event discussion and turned her attention to Yuri and Aiko. “Tonight we have some visitors and potential members. Ladies?”

  Aiko jabbed her friend. They were here for her – it only seemed right that she go first.

  “Go... good evening.” Yuri shifted in her seat. To be fair, having dozens of eyes on her must not have been a pleasant feeling when she didn’t know a single one of them. “Yuri to moshimasu. I’m married, to a man of course. Almost fifteen years now.” Her hands clenched together in her lap, and her eyes never left the folds of her skirt. “I have a daughter. She started middle school this year, so I’ve been dealing with that.”

  The other women nodded. How many mothers are there in this room?

  “I’ve known for quite a while that I’m... you know...”

  “It’s okay to say it in this space, Yuri-san,” Marina said.

  A humble nod. “Of course. I’ve known that I’m... gay... for most of my life. My first experience was with a friend in high school. An American student my family hosted for a summer. After that I was in denial for a very long time. Almost ten years. In that time I married my college sweetheart and we had a baby. It wasn’t until I reconnected with my first and we...” Her red cheeks could light the room on fire. “I decided I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. My husband doesn’t know, but I have been seeing someone on the side. Is that bad?”

  Aiko couldn’t help but notice that most people were glancing at her now. Yes, I’m a slut like my spouse. And now she was turning Yuri into one. Maybe promiscuity really was an STD. “We are not here to judge, Yuri-san,” Marina interrupted again. “You may be surprised how many women like you are in this group.”

  That burning face turned into a weak smile. “Thank you. When I heard about this group, I knew that I wanted to be a part of it. I don’t want to leave or divorce my husband. I’m not even sure I could be in a domestic relationship with a woman. But I feel so much better ever since I accepted myself.”

  The women in the circle politely clapped as Yuri bowed her head in finality. They then looked at Aiko.

  Shit. “Uh, good evening.” Aiko rubbed her legs as she tried to decide what to do. “I’m Aiko Takeuchi. Nice to meet you all.” Some of you for the umpteenth time.

  Those same people regarded her as if she were a kid lost in an office building – what was she doing here, and where were her parents to tell her this was inappropriate? “I thought you were married to a woman,” one of them said.

  Shit, shit. “Yes. My spouse is female. I’m here to support my friend Yuri-san. She was too shy to come alone.”

  Marina smiled and tried to encourage the other women to change the subject. But one woman stood up from her chair, brown hair jerking against her thick white sweater and long beige skirt. “This is a place for other kinds of women!” she cried. “We’re not interested in hearing from women who don’t understand our pain.”

  “Hitomi-san,” Marina said, enticing the woman to sit down. “Of cour
se Aiko-san is welcome here to support her friend. She is still a married lesbian, even if her spouse is female.”

  More looks turned in Aiko’s direction. Some of them were sympathetic as they twirled their weddings bands on their fingers; others glared at her as if she were trespassing on sacred grounds; two women in the corner whispered to each other, discussing what Reina had said in her interview about her gender dysphoria. Then there was Mrs. Hitomi, whose burning retinas slowly turned to shock.

  The surprise was mutual. Didn’t I know a Hitomi who looked like her?

  Aiko wasn’t able to test her theory until after the meeting. During that time the women shared their recent struggles with being married to men, having children, and still wanting to be with women. Some of them had affairs with girlfriends, like Yuri, while others had remained homosexually chaste for nearly twenty years, out of devotion for their husbands or fear of being caught. While many married women these days were having affairs with men, getting caught with a woman would cause its own special flurry in neighborhood associations and PTA meetings. People would whisper and giggle about a heterosexual affair, but one with a woman? A wife and mother would be lucky to not damage her entire family’s reputation.

  Contemplating that during the meeting allowed Aiko to see why some of these other women were upset by her presence. I live my life freely with Reina. That came with its own dangers, but Aiko didn’t have to feel trapped in a marriage with a man.

  When the meeting concluded, some of the members mingled, others went home, but Aiko and Yuri stayed behind when some people wanted to talk to the latter. This left Aiko standing in the corner with her purse strap on her shoulder, wondering if there was time to take a shower when she got home.

  “Aiko-san?”

  She looked up to meet Hitomi’s apologetic gaze. “Yes?”