Ikigai Read online

  They both had the same idea at the same time. “Porn plot,” they said in unison.

  “Mou.” Aiko went into their bedroom laughing.

  Reina couldn’t have said it better herself. She closed the door behind her and suggested to her wife they come up with their own plot to act out that night. I’ve got a million of them. No wonder she was asked to consult on set. Reina Yamada, purveyor of lesbian smut. Something about the universe wasn’t right when it took twenty-five years of fornicating for her to reach that level of notoriety.

  One child out of six continued to latch onto Aiko during her final class that morning. “Ara, Taiki-kun,” she said every time the tiny boy tried to climb into her lap during game time. Her co-teacher, a younger woman named Fumie, corralled the other children onto the play mat for story time. Aiko bent down and picked up the large picture book before Taiki or another kid could trip and fall on it.

  “Come here!” Fumie cried in English, her hands slapping against her knees as she summoned the children from a toy corner. Each one emerged with a doll or block in their hand and wandered toward their teachers. Once they noticed that Fumie had the picture book, they all promptly sat down and gaped, wide-eyed. Except for Taiki, who found Aiko’s lap again and cried when she tried to gently push him away toward the other children.

  At least one kid likes me. Since Aiko began teaching two months ago, she found she wasn’t as likable to children as she once thought. They liked her demeanor well enough, but aside from select students like Taiki, they usually wanted nothing to do with her. Aiko discovered that she was better suited for tutoring high school students and adults, which she capitalized on with a fledgling side business. She landed this job teaching English in the childcare departments at her old university thanks to an old connection. The original plan was to co-teach with Fumie until Aiko was adept enough to handle a classroom alone, but at the rate things were going, that would never happen. For the best. Children were exhausting, and Aiko wasn’t getting younger.

  Story time marked the end of the lesson, which meant playtime until parents picked their children up. Fumie entertained the remaining children on the play mat while Aiko saw the students off from the door that led into a narrow hallway, connecting their wing to the rest of the childcare department. When Taiki’s mother, the illustrious German chair Professor Ishida, showed up to take her son to another daycare facility, the boy was adamant that Aiko was his new mother and yowled like a demon on its deathbed when his mother pried him away.

  “I don’t know what it is about you, Aiko-san, but he sure does like you,” Prof. Ishida said as she clung to her son. Taiki’s twisted, red face ran in tears as he reached out toward Aiko. “I’ve never seen him get so attached to someone who wasn’t my husband or me.”

  Aiko felt a mixture of sadness and relief when Taiki the howling dynamite disappeared around the corner. In his place popped out a man who stood surprised the moment he saw Aiko.

  Likewise, her heart stopped as well.

  “Takeshi-san,” she said, her teacher’s smile falling off her face. Takeshi, her one-time friend and neighbor from only a year ago, reset his visage and kept walking toward her. He doesn’t have a child, does he? She had never heard of one when they were friends, and even if he had managed to have one since they last spoke, it would still be a newborn. To think I contemplated having a child with him. Dearest Reina put a stop to that real quick, and Takeshi subsequently became angry at Aiko because she never came out to him.

  And yet he got me this job.

  They bumped into each other when Aiko dropped off her application for the new teaching position a few months ago. As awkward as that moment was, since they hadn’t spoken since Takeshi found out his intended girlfriend was a lesbian, the tenured English professor spoke for Aiko’s language ability. He would know. For the short time they were friends, they often talked of English literature and shared books like they were confections.

  Takeshi stopped a few meters away from Aiko. “Konnichiwa,” he said with an even voice.

  Aiko greeted him in turn. “Can I help you with something?” She said it as pleasantly as possible, since such a phrase could be taken the wrong way if she wasn’t careful.

  “I’ve come to talk to Kyoko-sensei about something. Is she in?”

  “No, I’m afraid not. It’s only me and Fumie-sensei.”

  “Oh.” Takeshi continued to stand before Aiko, albeit in an estranged manner. “It was nothing important. I’ll try again later. Thanks.” He turned to leave.

  Aiko had only seen the back of his head for two seconds when she took a step forward. “Wait, Takeshi-san!”

  He stopped but did not turn around. Aiko clasped her hands together across her waist and considered dropping her thoughts altogether. He doesn’t want to talk to me anyway. Not after the way their friendship ended a year ago.

  “I was wondering if maybe... well, I’m getting a lunch break as soon as class ends, and you must be too, so...”

  Takeshi finally turned around. His face was long, as if he considered what Aiko said with a grain of salt and no more. Thus Aiko was pleasantly surprised when he said, “You want to have lunch? I guess we could today. I’ll see you in a bit.” He walked off without another word.

  Aiko hurried through the motions of finishing up her class, from doing her paperwork to seeing the children off to their parents. Once the last of the toddlers was around the corner holding her mother’s hand, Aiko ducked back into the classroom and finished helping Fumie clean up the toys before grabbing her sweater and heading for lunch.

  In this part of campus she was surrounded by young co-eds studying, laughing, and dating their way through college. Things sure have changed since I went here. Twenty years ago, Aiko was an English student at her all-girls college. She used to eat meals here in the cafeteria, where she lined up to buy a shrimp salad and a bottle of iced tea, first with friends and then alone when people found out she was a dirty lesbian. Of course, the cafeteria had seen at least one renovation since her days as a student. Now it was modern, with sleek tables and chairs... and quite a few men, as the girls’ school went co-ed around the turn of the millennium.

  After Aiko paid for her lunch, she found Takeshi sitting by himself, poking at a tonkatsu filet and tapping a bottle of Coke. If Aiko didn’t know him, she would assume that he was an older student. He dresses like them. A black long-sleeved shirt beneath a windbreaker; slacks wrinkled from pacing in front of his classes; hair on the long side which framed his youthful visage. Except when he saw Aiko he frowned, and he did not smile again as she sat with her food.

  He must want to reconcile if he agreed to have lunch with me... Getting Takeshi to have a conversation was like getting Reina to help cook dinner. He fought her the entire way, looking down at his food and mumbling replies. Aiko tried talking about English books, their old topic of choice, but she had only read one Western book in the year since they last talked, and he claimed to have never read it.

  If their relationship were to ever be fixed, Aiko would have to stop tiptoeing around the issue dividing them.

  “I’m sorry that I never told you about... you know...” She kept her voice low as a group of students shuffled past them with bags and trays. “But it’s not exactly something that I tell people, even after I’ve known them for a long time. Most people don’t take it very well.” Like you. But that had been because Takeshi was in love with her.

  He didn’t reply for a few seconds, choosing to instead stare at the label on his Coke bottle. Brooding man-child. Aiko stifled a giggle as she thought of Reina avoiding conversations by pretending to read the newspaper or watch TV...

  “I wasn’t upset about the truth,” Takeshi said, interrupting Aiko’s thoughts. “I was upset that you kept it from me. I was embarrassed, and angry that you didn’t trust me enough with that.”

  “With all due respect, Takeshi-san, I can’t know what man will or will not react negatively to me being...”
She couldn’t say it, not with so many people around. A piece of hair fell into her face, and Aiko brushed it away with her left hand, brandishing her wedding band. Takeshi glanced at it before looking away again.

  “I mean, I expected to hear that you were married, with a ring like that.” Takeshi put his fork down and leaned back in his seat. “But with a man. Hearing that it was a woman... of course it was shocking. How does someone react to that?”

  “I’m sorry.” Aiko didn’t know what she was apologizing for. Withholding information. She knew she shouldn’t feel bad about it though. If Reina were privy to her thoughts right now, she would say, “Fuck this guy. He doesn’t get how dangerous it is to come out all willy-nilly to new friends. When’s dinner?”

  Takeshi shrugged. “It’s been a year. In truth, I feel bad about walking out on you in that restaurant. I didn’t know how to apologize, though. Sometimes I would go past your neighborhood on my way somewhere and think about detouring to drop in and say hello. But I didn’t think you would want to see me, and I didn’t know what I would say. It was too awkward. Here I had spilled my emotions to you and it turns out you’re not wired to want them. Not your fault. It was dumb of me to assume that you would feel the same way about me.”

  “I did!” Aiko choked on her words as Takeshi gave her a quizzical look. “I mean... I cared for you a lot. You were becoming a dear friend to me. I enjoyed how stimulating our conversations were. I can’t get that at home.” I don’t think Reina has read a book in ten years.

  The Coke bottle opened and Takeshi took a drink. “How’s that working out for you?”

  Aiko blushed. He’s only met Reina once. In that restaurant where Aiko came out to him and pissed him off. Reina sat down across from him and fanned out her peacock feathers as if Takeshi were about to swoop in and run off with her woman. What an idiot. She loved Reina, but her spouse could get ridiculously territorial around men. “Home is fine.”

  “You still with...?”

  “Yes. Twenty-two years this December.”

  “Damn.”

  “I know. I can’t believe it’s been that long either.” Everything between meeting Reina and getting married was a blur. A wonderful blur, save for some rough patches along the way.

  A woman appeared at the table next to them. It was Fumie, out of breath and cursing her dead cell phone.

  “There you are, Aiko-san! I have unfortunate news. Kyoko-san called in sick and wants to know if you can fill in for her evening classes. I’m so sorry to ask this of you, but there’s no one else to cover on such short notice.”

  Aiko dropped a napkin into her lap. “Evening classes? Those run until eight, right?”

  “Yes, I’m so sorry.”

  I could get more hours and more money. Aiko was getting used to extra spending money every month. Her earnings had bought her a couple of nice appliances for her kitchen and an expensive perfume she always wanted. Reina definitely approved, as it turned her into a tiger the first night she smelled it. “I could... but I need to call my...” She stopped short of saying spouse. “My roommate. Otherwise she would be worried.”

  “Oh, of course.”

  Aiko shared a look with Takeshi, who bordered between twitching his lip and eating more food. Aiko waited a respectable amount of time after Fumie left before making a quip. “Twelve hour day for me it seems. Just like being in school again.” But I really do need to call Reina so she can get dinner on her own. The frantic thoughts of a housewife.

  Takeshi forced a smile. “You know what else students do? Talk about books. I have my students reading Hemingway right now. You ever read The Old Man and the Sea?”

  “Yes, but it was a long time ago and I don’t remember it very well.”

  “Perhaps you should reread it so we could discuss it.”

  This invitation for a friendship renewal caught Aiko off guard. Her fingers hovered over a text message to Reina. “Yes,” she said, forgetting what words she wanted to punch in to her spouse. “I wouldn’t mind that at all.”

  Reina had thirty seconds to make a decision regarding dinner.

  She could go home and pick up something from the convenience store or the one fast food place in their neighborhood, or she could go to one of her favorite dens of cheap food, cheaper beer, and the cheapest conversation to walk into her life. Once she realized this last part, she said fuck you to eating alone at home and got off the train at Shinjuku Station.

  Last time I had dinner alone in Ni-chome, I majorly screwed up. Screwed up in the sense she pissed off Aiko, but not so much in that she met Haruka. And then banged her. Oops.

  This time she went to a more casual place, where women were prone to show up happy and in the mood to converse as opposed to drowning their sorrows. The half bar, half restaurant was located on the second floor of a small building on the outskirts of Ni-chome, and was brightly lit so Reina could see the features of the others having quiet conversations over plates of food and pitchers of beer. Reina sat at the far end of the bar, put her briefcase down and took off her jacket. The bartender moseyed down from the other end of the bar and stood in front of her.

  “What can I get you?” An airy voice caught Reina’s attention from her cell phone.

  “Curry udon. And a beer.”

  “Curry udon? You ain’t gonna pick up any chicks eating something like that.”

  Reina glanced at the woman. Tall, skinny, pink fuzzy tracksuit and short blond hair covered in pink and purple barrettes. Nor was the bartender’s make-up subtle, with body glitter glistening at the corners of her eyes and bright red lipstick outlining her mouth. Kids these days. This vision of style couldn’t have been older than twenty-five. Reina rolled her eyes. “I’m not looking to pick anyone up tonight. My wife might get angry about that.”

  The bartender cocked her head and smiled, dyed hair tickling the tops of her shoulders. “What are you doing here by yourself then?” she asked, pulling out a cold beer as Reina fished for money. “Shouldn’t your missus be with you?”

  “Working.” What an odd thing to say. Reina still wasn’t used to Aiko having a job. “By the way, I don’t think I’ve ever met you before.”

  Dishes clanked together as the bartender prepared the curry udon. “Is there a reason why you would know me?”

  “I know everyone.” That wasn’t really an exaggeration. Sure, things were different now that she was older and many of her old friends were replaced with young whippersnappers who didn’t know her from the Empress, but Reina made a point of knowing the help at her favorite bars and clubs. Things were more pleasant that way. Comfier. For so many years these places were my only havens. She built one with Aiko now, but before her wife came into her life, Reina relied on these Sapphic watering holes to give her an escape. She liked knowing the gatekeepers. “And I’ve never seen you working here before.”

  “Funny, I’ve worked here a few months now.” The heated bowl landed in front of Reina. The scent of spicy curry awakened her stomach as she snatched a pair of chopsticks and a large spoon. It wouldn’t be as good as Aiko’s recipe, but it would fill her stomach for the night. “But I only work during the week. Tuesday through Thursday. Weekend rush I work at another place.”

  The first noodle slurped down Reina’s throat. “Where?”

  The girl shrugged. “You wouldn’t have heard of it.”

  “Try me.” She knew all the lesbian hangouts, even if she didn’t go to them for one reason or another.

  “Lady G.”

  Reina waited until she swallowed more food before responding. “Is that in Ni-chome?” She didn’t want to admit that name escaped her. “Chikaku ni?”

  “It’s around Ni-chome, yeah.”

  “Ladies bar?”

  “Oh, yeah, it’s all ladies.” The bartender smiled. “But it’s not what you’re thinking. It’s not a lesbian bar, per se. Women only, but most of them like men.”

  “That’s boring.”

  Deep laughte
r rolled out of that skinny frame. “Whatever. By the way, my name is Shio. Since you like knowing everyone.”

  Reina took a drink of her beer and let it wash down the taste of curry. “My name’s Reina. Maybe you’ve heard of me.”

  This time it was Shio’s turn to blink in confusion. “Why would I know who you...” She bit her lip and twisted her nose. “Reina? Wouldn’t happen to be Yamada, would it?”

  I am famous. She shouldn’t let it go to her head. Too late! “Yeah, that’s me. So you know me after all.”

  “How could I not? People talk about you all the time around here.”

  “What? Really? What are they saying?”

  Shio chuckled. “Oh, many things. Some of it flattering, some of it very strange stories from a long time ago. But I personally know you best from that interview you gave in the book that was just published.”

  The back door opened and admitted the owner – finally, someone Reina knew – as she came out to interact with another set of patrons. Even on Tuesday nights, places could get lively. “You read that shit, huh?”

  “Everyone’s read it. Gay book store can’t keep it stocked I hear. It’s been the big topic ever since it came out Saturday. Some of the women at Lady G contributed to it as well.”

  Why would straight women be in it? “I’m fucked.”

  “Probably.”

  The owner disappeared into the back room again. “Well, now that everyone knows all of my dirty secrets, I guess I can come out and say it: I’m a lesbian. A big one.”

  Shio stood up straight with a smile. “Me too,” she said, puffing out her modest chest. “Onna-tachi daisuki.”

  Reina held up her beer bottle. “I’ll drink to that.” She thought of her wife as she shot beer down her throat. I want to make love to her tonight. Aiko would be tired after working for twelve hours. They could linger in the bath or make-out in bed. Not every lovemaking session had to be cocks-out grand slamming... Only took Reina twenty years to figure that one out.