January Embers Read online

  Mikaiya couldn’t bring herself to look in Ari’s direction. Instead, she gazed at the rainy fog rolling through the valley below them. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “Guess it doesn’t matter now. It was a stupid thing, anyway. We should feel so lucky that we didn’t get married on a childish whim. What was I going to do? Go with you to Portland? Where you would have this life at college and I would, what? Work at McDonald’s to help pay our rent? We would’ve been miserable.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” Mik had often thought of that, too. How they probably would’ve have lasted for more than one or two years had they gone through with their plans. Except was that the way to find out? At least they wouldn’t have yet been burdened by a divorce in Oregon. Mikaiya couldn’t remember if the marriage would’ve been legal in Nevada. It didn’t matter, though. To two excited teenagers in love, it was the epitome of their grand romance. And it hurt Ariana as much as being left at the fake altar would have hurt any girl. “I still owe you an apology, though, and an explanation.”

  Ari looked as if there weren’t any good explanations left in that world.

  “It was my uncle.” Mikaiya exhaled the breath she had kept pent up in her diaphragm, as if she were a singer about to unleash the saddest ballad ever composed. “You remember my Uncle Jake? The guy I told you could never catch us fooling around on the farm?”

  Ariana slowly nodded. “Yeah, kinda hard to forget a warning like that.”

  “He hated lesbians. His mom – um, I mean, my grandma – is one, you know? He blamed her for ruining the family. When my grandma left her husband ‘cause she didn’t wanna live the lie no more, she took her kids with her, and they never heard from my grandpa again.” From all accounts, there wasn’t much missing from their lives. “My uncle took it really hard. Blamed her for it all, you know? Even when he got control of the old farm, his dad was no longer around. Held in all that bitterness. My mom wasn’t a lesbian, so his ire kinda skipped over her. ‘Cept once he found out I was probably ‘that way’ too, he warned me.” That was putting it lightly. “Anyway, both my grandma and he found out about our plans because I was stupid and left my map of our road trip from here to Vegas on my bed. My grandma laughed it off and told me to go ahead, do it. Wasn’t like it was anything but symbolic back then. But my Uncle Jake told me that if we ran off, I might as well not come home, because he’d kill us both.”

  Ariana was silent as she processed it. Or, at least, Mik assumed that’s what she was doing. You’re so hard to read now. Did I do that to you?

  “You believed him, huh?”

  “He scared the pants off me, that’s for sure.” Mik sighed again. Rain continued to drizzle on top of her head and down the back of her jacket. Dust turned to mud around her feet. That old and tired scent of precipitation was at full force now. Even in Portland, it had been a familiar scent. One that both lulled Mik into a false of security and sent her clawing at the walls closing in around her. It was one of the first things I smelled after that time I kissed you, Ari. It was also the scent that greeted her that first night in Portland, when she had run away from fears that may have never come to fruition. “I packed up most of my things that night and ran away. I thought that if I put that distance between us, my uncle wouldn’t hurt you.” He couldn’t hurt anyone now. Uncle Jake was six feet under after all his bitterness gave him a heart attack. Abby Marcott had lost both of her children. No wonder she didn’t mind having Mikaiya around again.

  Ari stood up from the boulder, her feet carrying her to the fenced edge of the summit. Two birds flew past her face. The rain came a little harder now, but nobody was as unperturbed by it as Ariana Mura. “You didn’t think to tell me before you high-tailed it out of town?”

  “My only thoughts were of getting the hell out before he hurt either of us.” Mik scratched her scalp beneath her hat. “I was a kid. We were kids. I didn’t realize what the consequences would be leaving you behind like that. Now I know.”

  “Do you?”

  Mikaiya looked up from her lap, which had become damp from the moisture filling the air. Through a foggy, dreary haze she saw Ariana standing near the fence, her strong body liable to crack Mik’s head open. That ain’t why you got big and tough, though, huh? Ariana buffed up to protect herself and to save others. That much was clear. Then again, how much of it was natural, anyway? Maybe Ari was always destined to stack up a bit when she matured. Hitting the gym and having a physically demanding job only aided that inevitable.

  “Do I what?” Mik asked.

  “Do you really know what the consequences were?”

  Bristling, Mikaiya looked away again. “I guess not.”

  “You didn’t only fuck me up, Mik. The whole town treated it as the scandal of the summer, because obviously people found out. Gossip said that I asked you to run away with me and you freaked out and booked it to the city. Depending on who you ask, I was either the wilting flower petal plucked too soon and left in the rain, or I was the thorny bitch who drove one of Pleasure Valley’s best and brightest out of town.”

  Mik groaned. “I’m so sorry. That was never my intention.”

  “You know the saying. Intentions ain’t magical. Doesn’t matter what you intended, Mik. All that matters is what happened.”

  Good gracious, wasn’t this one of the reasons Mik dreaded coming back home? Seeing what her actions had wrought?

  “You can excuse what happened that night as you being a young idiot.” Ariana turned back toward her. Rain covered her face. She remained as unperturbed as the birds in the trees. “You can’t excuse the past few years. You ran and hid. You stayed hiding. You never once called me, wrote me a letter, nothing. I’ve spent the past ten years trying to figure out what the hell I did to make you take off as if we hadn’t spent two years together. I know everything feels the worst when you’re young, dumb, and in love, but I’m almost thirty years old and still feel sick to my stomach when I think about that night.”

  Mikaiya forced herself to meet Ari’s fierce gaze. “I’m sorry. It was wrong to abandon you like that. It was worse to act like nothing had happened for so long.”

  A soft snort blew out of Ari’s nose. “Well, you’re here now. You’re apologizing. Let’s move on.”

  Something about the way she said that filled Mik with more shame. God protect the kid who has her for a mother. She knows exactly how to sound so whatever while making you feel like the biggest pile of shit in the room. Maybe that only applied if a woman had a reason to feel like a giant pile of crap. “I only wanted you to know what happened. I didn’t leave that night for no good reason. I… I still loved you, okay?”

  Ari went from “moving on” to a frozen statue in two seconds. Her paling face was exacerbated by the dark coloring of her clothes. Jesus, I am so sorry. Mikaiya would never be able to make it up to her ex. The damage had been too great. She should have known that it wasn’t only their breakup that would damage Ariana. The gossip would have been ripe… for months. What was more salacious than one of the most well-known lesbian couples from Clark High School having a sudden, mysterious breakup? Everyone knew that Mikaiya had been accepted to college. There were questions about what would happen to her relationship, but none of it was serious. The worst that would happen was a mutual breakup either right before she went off to school or after their romance fizzled out due to separation. Some may have assumed Ari would move to Portland with Mik. I don’t remember what we planned now. A sham marriage to make themselves feel good. Mikaiya had wanted to call this woman her wife. This woman whom she hardly recognized anymore.

  No. She recognized her.

  Her nose was the same. The way her brows furrowed whenever someone said something distasteful was a grand reminder of high school class discussions. Her voice was a little deeper, but Ariana still spoke like she was about to launch into a conversation about her latest fascination in the media. The longer Mik looked at her, the more nostalgic she became… and the more he
r heart hurt.

  Mikaiya stood up. “I’m really sorry, Ari.” She could apologize a hundred times, and it still wouldn’t break down the invisible wall between them. “I did it because I thought it would protect us. I should have said something, though. I should have come back as soon as I heard my uncle was dead. By then I was a senior in college, and…” No, she had to stop with the excuses. Those were feeble reasons she fed herself when she lived in the moment. “I can’t go back now. It’s too late. She wouldn’t want to see me. I’ve moved on. I have a new girlfriend now.” Girls came and went. There was a reason none of them stayed around for long.

  None of them made me feel as much love as Ari did.

  Mik had brushed it off as young love. That kind of love that felt so real, so triumphantly yet so stupidly pure. The one great love to last the rest of their lives. High school sweethearts that beat all modern odds and stood as a testament to traditional values when it came to love. That’s what they thought they had back then. For all Mik knew, Ari was two seconds away from punching her in the face. Or maybe getting her new girlfriend to do it for her.

  Did she have a new girlfriend? Had there been others for Ari like there had been for Mik?

  Why did she care so much?

  Because look at her! I still love her!

  Mik gasped. The sudden reaction made Ari take a step forward, probably some EMT instinct she couldn’t prevent.

  “It’s fine if you never forgive me.” Mikaiya wanted to amend that with “I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” but that would make it more about her than how he had wronged Ari ten years ago. Ten whole years of doubt and heartbreak. Hell, could Mik ever forgive herself? “I only want to know that we’re going to be okay. As acquaintances.” She wouldn’t hold out hope that they could ever be anything more again.

  The rain came harder. Both Mik and Ari were so frozen in the moment, staring into each other’s vacuous faces, that they couldn’t be bothered to shake off the rain or run for cover. What was the point? This was probably the warmest they had felt together since the night before everything fell apart.

  “I don’t know,” Ariana said. “I don’t know how I feel right now. You coming back to town has really dug up a lot of bad feelings I had pushed away. Thought I was over it, you know?” She swallowed. “We’re grown adults now. We should get over that stuff we did as kids.”

  That almost felt like a knife right to Mik’s heart. “That ‘stuff’ was being in love for two years, Ari.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s been long over.”

  She still feels something for me, doesn’t she? Mik wasn’t sure what she expected when she came back to town. The only Ariana she imagined still having feelings for her was one who looked exactly as she did back in high school. Not this new Ari who looked like she had never been in love before. I did that to her. I did this to her! Mik swallowed the bile rising in her throat and suddenly noticed the water on her face. She wanted it off. All of it. Down her hands and cast to the ground, which absorbed each drop of rain and created enough mud to slide them both down Wolf’s Hill.

  “I’m sorry!”

  It didn’t matter how much she said it, though. She could be sorrier than she ever had a right to be, but it didn’t change the past. Ari had no reason to forgive her. Damnit, why would she? Her heart hadn’t merely been broken. It had been shattered. How could Mikaiya have ever done that to the girl she supposedly loved? Even if she thought she was protecting Ariana from the wrath of an unhinged man… she should have offered an explanation. She should have called, written something, or at least had her grandmother explain what happened. Instead? Mik had been the ultimate coward. It had been all about her and her safety. She could rationalize it was about Ariana, too, but in the end, Mik cared more about her own hide. Didn’t matter why. Because she knew how mean her uncle could be? Because she was excited to start her new life at college? Because she was anxious to attach herself to the only girl she had ever loved? Where did Mik’s romantic nature end and her fear of long-term commitment begin?

  Yet she could think that… then realize how so many of her other relationships fizzled because she always compared those women to the one standing before her. Seeing how Ariana turned out only made that worse.

  “Fuck you, Mik.”

  She deserved that. The caustic words that only a woman so scorned could utter.

  Mikaiya was prepared to turn around and head down the hill by herself. She would leave Ariana here to stew in her thoughts and, with any luck, their future encounters would be pleasant at best. They would avoid each other. People would continue to gossip about what happened between them, but they would show a boring-enough front to make them back the hell off.

  Hopefully.

  Still, the pain in Mikaiya’s heart was almost too much to bear. I hurt her. I hurt the only woman who ever mattered to me. I hurt the girl I was gonna marry. How did they both move on from this? How did Mik make peace with what she did, and how did Ari put this behind her and meet someone new? Someone who would treat her with better respect than Mik had?

  Could Mikaiya walk away?

  She didn’t know which one of them hurt more in that moment. She didn’t know which one of them was better off leaving the other behind. All Mik knew was that she wanted to throw her arms around Ariana one last time. If she was pushed away, then so be it. At least then she would know where they stood with one another.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered one last time, her arms locked around Ari’s broad shoulders. Her ex remained frozen in Mik’s sudden embrace. “I fucked up a really good thing.”

  After a few seconds of hesitation, Ari hugged her back.

  Chapter 10

  ARIANA

  This was the kind of moment she dreamed about but never anticipated. The day Mikaiya came back and said she was sorry.

  Don’t fall for it… don’t fall for it you stupid idiot… Ariana chanted that in her head as she wrapped her arms around her ex’s body, the rain continuing to patter against their heads and down their jackets. She doesn’t really mean it. She’s only saying it to save her ass. For all Ari knew, that story about Uncle Jake had been a lie. Who knew how grand Mik’s imagination had become in the past ten years? Besides, the Mikaiya she once loved would have still offered some explanation, yeah?

  But she hadn’t. The Mik she had loved never existed. Either that, or Ariana had been completely blinded by her young and dumb feelings to see what kind of girl possessed her heart.

  The moment of tenderness they shared on top of Wolf’s Hill was Ariana’s Achilles heel. She allowed her memories to swallow her whole, bringing her back into that headspace she once occupied as a teenager convinced that she had the whole love and relationship thing figured out. If only their young love hadn’t been on display to their whole town. If only that town wasn’t so small that everyone and their kids still remembered the Ballad of Ariana Mura and Mikaiya Marcott. Years had passed before the townsfolk stopped looking at Ari with such pity, and this was after she got fit and became an EMT that saved half the lives in town.

  Ari couldn’t tell if Mik was crying into her shoulder. She didn’t care. Any tears they shed would be washed away by the rain caressing their faces. No chance to be embarrassed. Not when Ariana succumbed to one thing she had wanted most over those past ten years.

  One damn kiss. Just one to give them closure after being torn apart so suddenly.

  I still love you. That reality haunted Ariana as she slammed her lips against Mik’s, swearing to herself that she could pull away and end this at any time. She only wanted a little closure. Enough to help her sleep at night. She didn’t care if Mikaiya could sleep. Only that she was here, kissing Ari back and tasting as sweet as she had back in high school.

  Damnit. It was supposed to be a simple kiss. Since when did Ari ever plan on shoving her tongue down Mik’s throat and clutching her like she was about to skip town again?

  I still love you. I hate how weak that makes me.

  Mik didn�
��t still love her. Not even a kiss as hard as the rain now falling on their heads could change that opinion. In the past ten years, Ari had grown in stature and attitude. She learned to stand up straight and carry herself with a confident gait that broadcasted her change in personality. Have I changed, though? Two weeks in town, and this asshole has her lips on me. Some things never improved. Ari could mature, but she couldn’t keep her hands and mouth off the girl who broke her heart. Deep down, she wanted to believe that their grand romance could happen again.

  You fool.

  Her self-admonishments only made her kiss Mik harder, as if she deserved to do this to herself. A just punishment for a fool who didn’t know what was good for her. Yes, yes, clearly what Ariana needed was more of Mik’s pain. Ari may be big enough to crush her ex in her arms, but was she big enough to protect their hearts? Didn’t she realize that the most dangerous thing she could do was reopen those old wounds? The ones that had scarred. Because wounds that deep never truly healed.

  They were only ripped open again and again.

  Mikaiya met her anxious desires, feeling that deep pain that rumbled beneath their feet. She naturally shrunk within Ari’s arms, as if she were the small and demure lady of this ill-fated pair. She couldn’t fool Ari, though. Ariana may have once been the sweet and feminine “stick girl,” as many of her classmates had called her, but she hadn’t completely lost what made her so vibrantly keen to call some girl her protector. I protect myself now, but I still want someone who can keep the demons away from our door. Mikaiya could change her makeup, get a fifty-dollar haircut, and put on a fancy pair of boots, but she had barely changed a day. That was Ari’s greatest weakness. Facing the older and more mature version of Mikaiya Marcott, the girl who had seduced Ariana after only one conversation in their high school hallways.